I had been pastor in two inner city parishes for over thirty five years. An on-going difficulty was the struggle to pay the bills and especially meeting the pay role. I remember one particular Christmas when I was falling short big time in both areas. I received a most welcome gift of an inheritance in the mail that promised a bonanza beyond the immediate crisis of bills and payroll.
However, there was a problem. The check was made out to “Catholic Charities” at the address of the parish. It was from a somewhat regular donor. Our banker said they would cash the check if I got the executor of the will to OK it.
This is where my addiction took charge. I had two days before the payroll was due. But the gentleman in charge of the will was quite sick and preparing for emergency heart surgery. My compulsions and obsessive concern moved into overdrive. I finally gave in, contrary to my gut feeling telling me otherwise, I went to the sickbed of the executor and begged him to sign off on the check. He did.
I could have gone to the Archdiocese for a short-term loan. That, however, would have been against my addiction of being in control.
Looking back, this was contrary to all my pastoral instincts, but my addiction to control won out. Only later did I begin to see myself not as a responsible pastor, but as a person driven to seek control no matter what. Clearly, the addiction dominated the day.
In almost all authentic spiritual traditions, even centuries before Christianity, the individual’s relationship to creatures has had a fundamental role. Creatures need to be a guide leading to God. When this role is warped, creatures lead to idolatry. This is attachment. In explaining addiction, May highlights this long tradition on attachment and builds upon it. As an attachment escalates, it grows into addiction. May shows how the brain, the mind and one’s feelings all work together to both create and maintain an addiction. The addiction is rooted in the body and mind. We are wired in the direction of addiction.
When May states that addiction is idolatry, it sounds shocking. The same teaching has been part of our Christian spirituality since the earliest days of the Desert Mothers and Fathers.
At a personal level, the struggle is to let things, relationships and activities lead us to God. However, we are deeply inclined to twist and distort these items to direct them for our selfish needs. Rather than God as the center, we become the center. This struggle started in the Garden and will go until the end.
Addictions are not centered in things or experiences. Addictions are all about the heart. Am I moving out myself toward God or not?
Another helpful insight of May determines the difference between addiction which often seems quite good, and areas of authentic commitment in our life. We need simply ask ourselves, can we quit it? If not, it is an addiction no matter how good it may appear. Freedom is the source of all the good we do. Addiction is the enemy of freedom.
We all need to work to identify our addictions. This is not so easy. Many addictions operate in a totally hidden manner. Other addictions are astute in creating deceptive mind games to minimize concern. How could being enthused about my team’s quest the championship be harmful? How could working extra to support my family be in conflict with being a responsible parent? Could being concerned about one’s health hinder my spiritual life? These, and a thousand other questions about ordinary activities and attitudes, can lead to uncovering of addictions in our life.
Addictions thrive in anonymity. Probing self-knowledge, often driven by deep personal prayer, unveils their destructive activity. When a person brings the addiction out in the open, there is a choice: maintain the bondage or seek freedom. It is the question of Elijah to the people in the conflict with the false prophets: “How long will you straddle the issue? If the Lord is God, follow him; if Baal, follow him?” (I Kings 18:21)
One truly difficult part of May’s teaching on addiction is this: the most mundane activities lead to critical choices in our life. Listening to or reading the news, our cell phone, a few drinks, dents in our new car, a little extra work, planning for retirement – they all are subject to addiction. They all can lead one on a destructive path. Will we chose the true God or a false god? This is the stuff of the gospel. “To save one’s life, one must lose it.”
