Self-knowledge demands a relentless quest for a deeper and more extensive awareness of our personal reality. The demands and benefits of self-knowledge will never be exhausted in this lifetime. Learning what truly is going on within ourselves is a task that is never completed. One way of getting insight into the search for self-knowledge is seeing the conflict in our lives as a struggle between the false self and the true self, between sin and grace, between the weeds and the wheat.
The false self involves layer after layer of self-deception, delusions and a sense of self-grandiosity that places us at the center of our consciousness. We tend to become blinded to our faults and failures and, more importantly, to the presence of God at the true center of our being. We emphasize the shortcomings of others. Self-righteousness dominates our worldview.
Teresa of Avila has some insightful thoughts for us on this precipitous journey of self-knowledge. Teresa was unyielding in declaring the importance of self-knowledge as our guide for the path to God in the center of our being. In one of her many statements on self-knowledge she said:
“Well now, it is foolish to think that we will enter heaven without entering ourselves, reflecting on our misery and what we owe God and begging Him often for mercy.” (IC 2.1.11)
For Teresa, prayer was the answer to almost all problems. However, she had an expansive notion of prayer. It took place in the context of the relationship between God at the center, our person, and our life experience. In the interaction of these three elements in prayer, self-knowledge has a pivotal role. The mystery of God unfolds in the dynamic of the person’s prayer and life experience. Self-understanding brings this process together. The movement, in accepting the reality of God’s place and our place, brings God’s mercy to the forefront. As she advanced in self-knowledge, she became more convinced in her oft-repeated belief: “My life is the story of God’s mercy.”
Love and Forgiveness in God’s Mercy
There were two elements as the foundation of Teresa’s spirituality. The first was her sinfulness. Through self-knowledge, she slowly accepted her helplessness to change. With the growth of the responsiveness to God’s presence within her, she truly saw herself as a world class sinner. She also realized she was loved and forgiven in spite of her opinion that she was deeply flawed. The path of self-knowledge gradually opened Teresa to the grandeur of God and her total dependence on God. She was the creature caught in sin. Nevertheless, she experienced herself as both forgiven and loved as a child of God. Her ever-expanding awareness of herself as a sinful creature let her realize that she lived in a sea of mercy. Self-knowledge was a critical component of Teresa’s fundamental grasp of her reality as a sinner both loved and forgiven.
Conversion
The slow process of growing in self-knowledge leads to a gradual development of personal transformation called conversion. It is repeated at several levels. The journey to discover and accept the true self, leading to God at the center, is only possible when we acknowledge our sinfulness and pettiness. Humility surfaces as indispensable to our growth in prayer.
To face ourselves with honesty is a challenging task. It is not a joyful part of our growth. The price tag for faithfulness to God drives away the timid and comfortable. All prayer must begin with a sense of the loving presence of God. When we accept the challenge, we discover the bridge between our heart and our life. This connection always joins God’s loving call, our acceptance of our poverty and our determination move on to the true self.
